Guilt is the idea, "I did something wrong."
When grounded in mutuality, guilt can support repair and accountability.
Shame is the idea, "I am something wrong," and am unworthy of belonging.

Guilt and shame can arrive together. We may need to take responsibility for something we did while also worrying that the mistake makes us unforgivable. Guilt also needs context: feeling responsible does not establish that we caused the harm.

Working with shame involves being deeply understood and heard. Someone receives what felt unspeakable, takes it seriously, and doesn't run away. We begin to meet ourselves with some of that same care. This takes time, especially when hiding has protected us. When shame includes feeling shut out and unable to return to connection, it overlaps with condemned isolation.

In Relational Development: Therapeutic Implications of Empathy and Shame (1989), Judith V. Jordan located shame in our longing for connection and fear of being unworthy of it. She distinguished guilt about actions from shame about one's whole being. Her account included culture and power: shaming can silence people and make needing others seem like a failure. Working with shame meant restoring the possibility of being understood and valued in relationship. 

Linda Hartling, Wendy Rosen, Maureen Walker, and Jordan developed these ideas in Shame and Humiliation: From Isolation to Relational Transformation(2000). They examined how degrading encounters and unequal power can become deeply personal experiences of unworthiness. Their clinical discussions also brought therapists' shame into view. A therapist's fear of being wrong or exposed can interfere with responding to a client. Mutual empathy involves attending to what happens between people, including the therapist's contribution. 

In How Connections Heal (2004), edited by Walker and Rosen, Jordan carried this attention into supervision and consultation. Her chapter describes how expectations of therapeutic perfection can leave clinicians hiding their uncertainty. Respectful feedback and shared learning create room to acknowledge difficulties and remain engaged. Working with shame becomes part of how therapists support one another as well as how they meet clients.

Jordan's Relational-Cultural Therapy, third edition (2024), further connects shame with controlling images and oppression. It also describes self-empathy: understanding our feelings in the circumstances that shaped them. In groups, care for another person's experience may gradually make care for our own experience more available. This gives working with shame a practical, relational direction: build opportunities for understanding while addressing the conditions that continue to shame people.

Recall a small moment when shame made you want to hide. Imagine someone you care about bringing you that same experience. Notice what you would want to understand before judging them. See whether any of that curiosity is available toward yourself.

If you choose, bring a little of this to someone you trust: "I'm finding it hard to be kind to myself about this." Notice whether their response makes your experience easier to stay with. You can also begin with a remembered moment of being understood. There is no need to tell the whole story or return to someone who shamed you.